It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb into their parents' laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with them. A child in preadolescence is not the same person he/she was just a year or two ago. He/she has changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. He’s developing new independence and may even want to see how far he can push limits set by the parents.

What preteens may not know is that they need their parents as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for much less turbulent adolescence.

Some of the changes in pre-teen and teenage behaviour are explained by the way teenage brains develop. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control don’t fully mature until about the age of 25. Pre-teens and teenagers are more imaginative, passionate, sensitive, impulsive, moody, and unpredictable.

The top five behaviour problems in pre-teens are:

·        Not listening to parents

·        Answering back and 'cheekiness'.

·        Refusing to obey when asked to do something

·        Swearing

·        Secrets and Lies

For parents, the transition from child to teenager brings a minefield of challenges. As a parent, you need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy to forge a successful relationship with this “updated” version of your kid and avoid some common mistakes. Here are some of the mistakes parents make while dealing with their pre-teens:

1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence.

It’s appropriate for kids of this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection. All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterprets it as a wilful refusal or maybe oppositional behaviour.

They should not try to force information out of a resistant tween. This is a time when children start to have secrets, and parents, who have a low tolerance for that transition and want to know everything — can alienate their children by being too inquisitive.

2. Set aside a special time with your child.

It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that a parent spends with their tween, where they are providing undivided attention and not working or texting at the same time, not only improves their relationship, but you’re also helps in teaching interpersonal skills to the kids that are going to be crucial for them in the future. That quality time is the key, and it’s something that we might overlook because kids might be saying they don’t want it and be pulling away. And parents might unintentionally collude with that tendency. 

3. Try the indirect approach.

When kids were younger parents could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct approach — carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day — doesn’t work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive. And it’s going to backfire.

Parents have to take the opposite approach and position themselves as more of a listener. If parents actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, they are more likely to get the information about a child’s life that they want. Sometimes parents will be able to help and give advice—but they shouldn't try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you’ll just be there to empathize with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.

4. Don’t be overly judgmental.

At this age, children are watching parents very astutely to hear how judgmental they are. They are taking their cues on how parents talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.

5. Watch with your kids what they are watching.

Beginning in middle school, parents watching the stuff that child wants to watch with them and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects that would otherwise be a taboo.

As parents, it is their job to help both boys and girls recognize how the media instills the gender code — the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy or a girl—and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humour.

6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sexual changes and drugs.

The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as the age of 9 or 10. Sexual development is a big part of this age, and it’s when we first start to see eating disorders arise, so these are key years for parents to be building a strong foundation and giving them developmentally appropriate information. Providing your tween with information and resources on sexuality without the pressure of a big “talk" is very essential.

Finding just the right balance with tween probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll as a parent have to put in.